Oh hey, you lovely human. 🌞 My name’s Virali and I’m 27 years old. With so many fake images online and comments being made by people around me, I recently made the decision to open up about my skin journey and post unfiltered images of my REAL SKIN. I’ve come to terms with the fact that real skin comes in all forms and is pure and flawless. But at this age, I really did not think I would still be dealing with acne and its scarring. I mean, I’m a full blown adult.. with a full time job..in the middle of a flat purchase….. and I STILL HAVE ACNE.
Since the age of 13, I have truly been in a love/hate relationship with my skin. Oh, what the heck.. mostly hate, like a lot of hate. But, anyway whilst I’m here – let me set the scene. 🙇🏽♀️
My parents are originally from India – Mum was born there and Dad in Uganda (but was moved to India soon after birth). They had an arranged marriage, and I think it was around 1985 when they moved over to UK. I arrived five years after my sister, in 1993. We lived in London until late 2007 when my parents decided to move us away to Bristol. I would be lying if I said I was anything but distraught. The last thing I wanted to do as a teen was to move away from the city to a place where none of my friends were. At this point, I had the normal hormonal spots scattered around my face. Mainly on my forehead/chin. It would make me sad but it wasn’t the be all and end all.
From 2008 to 2012, I began experiencing massive break outs. It wasn’t restricted to one part of my face – it was everywhere. On my eyebrows, scalp, arms, lips… everywhere! I got the usual comments/ name calling – “dot to dot”, “polkadot”, “what’s that on your face?” etc. This led me to begin experimenting with every herbal/home remedy and drugstore skincare product that I could get my hands on back then. But nothing helped.
My sister had been on a number of antibiotics which cleared her acne, and so I thought, as a last resort, I would see my GP and find one that would work for me. But not everyones skin is the same, and of course, as with everything in life it wasn’t that easy. Over the course of these years, I was prescribed all the topical treatments and antibiotics available, yet nothing worked. This frustrated me so much, as everyone I knew at the time had super clear skin, and it just wasn’t fair. I would cry myself to sleep every night wondering when it would get better. Each morning I would wake up not wanting to leave the house to board the bus and enter that classroom, all because of the bright lights. Making my skin all the more visible and vulnerable. Even having to see and speak to people gave me anxiety. I couldn’t even look them in the eyes. I can still remember covering my face with my sleeve anytime I was on the bus or in class, just to hide all my insecurities – I now realise how stupid that looks and sounds. But that was my reality. It was so bad that it wasn’t just my skin I hated, it was everything, from my lips, chin, nose to my ears, legs, arms, and shoulders. Everything . I could only see the negatives and it was truly self-destructive.
Continuing on this path toward clear skin, as that was what I thought I needed to finally be happy, I told my GP how my skin was making me feel. Eventually I was referred to a Dermatologist who placed me on Accutane. I wish I could share my progress photos but the truth is, there aren’t any. Besides flip phone life, I hated my face so much. I would take thousands of photos of it and delete all of them every time I’d feel sad. Endless hours were spent staring into the mirror with this belief that I wasn’t God’s favourite.
Now, my acccutane journey was no easy ride – like many others, it had gotten worse before it was better. I suffered all the common side effects – dry skin and eyes, nose bleeds, negative thoughts, and so on. But I was focused on the end goal – clear skin. So, when the day came that my derm finally told me I was ready to leave the tablets behind, I was over the moon. I still remember walking into the hospital for the last time and filling out a form about how I felt about my skin – I rated it 10/10! From memory, my skin was clear, smooth and even blemish free. I was truly overjoyed. Never had I felt this way before, and I actually made myself believe that I was happy and all my problems had gone away. But that was far from the truth. I wasn’t the best version of myself. The acne had changed me. The name calling had changed me. Deep down I knew this wasn’t the end of it.
Two years later and at University (I studied in Cardiff), I had my first breakout since coming off Accutane. I was hit by everything horrible that came with skin conditions – the anxiety, the depression – all too familiar. Accutane isn’t a permanent cure, and I knew that at the outset. There is always a chance the acne will come back and this depends on a number of factors. Although it was just a few spots, I still felt super uncomfortable because of it – wearing more make up than usual in a bid to distract. The acne became progressively worse over time (not as bad as pre Accutane days but enough to make me feel some type of way for sure). I had always deceived myself by filters and make up, and had never truly accepted myself for who I am.
As I got older, social media became increasingly prevalent. Although I’ve grown to become a bubbly personality, in reality I was constantly comparing myself to this unnatural beauty ideal. I cared way too much about what others thought of me, and was too embarrassed to push myself to my highest potential due to the fear of failure. This all stemmed from hiding myself away all these years. If only I learnt sooner what I know now.
Today, I keep the acne at bay for the most part, but my skin still has its ups and downs and I’m trying my best to listen. I’ve learnt that the condition of my skin doesn’t make me any less beautiful. It’s taken a while, but I soon realised that the only thing holding me back is ME. I now manage the Research and Development Tax Relief function of an accountancy firm. Something my younger, quiet and shy self definitely didn’t see coming. I’m on this journey of self-acceptance – to appreciate and love myself for all that I am. This is honestly one of the only ways to truly feel FREE.
I’m here to normalise REAL SKIN. I want to share my journey in the hope that it will help someone going through something similar. If there was anything I could have benefited all those years ago it would be for a voice like mine – reminding me that the most beautiful part of me is the light that shines from within!
No matter who is reading this, I just want you to know this: You are enough. You are worthy. You are more than just your skin.
If you have experienced something similar, or would like someone to speak to, please get in touch. I’m here to lend an ear and an open heart – we are in this journey together. 💓
With love,
Vi x
naturally vivi 